| Space: The Final Frontier |
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| 02:04pm 09/09/2009 |
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Amara has to move home. She's had an enormous amount of shitty emotional pressure descend on her over the weekend. She's really emotionally burned out and things between us feel pretty weird. It's been scary. We both need more space to pursue our own lives but I'm terrified of it making us distant. When I think of our wonderful memories they make me cry because I'm afraid of not being able to continue to experience them. We really need to work on the friendship aspect of our relationship because talking to each other in baby voices constantly is not healthy, and because we have had a rather bad parent-child dynamic. I'm praying to lord Cthulhu that things will eventually go back to normal. This is the scariest period of my life yet. Yet I know I'm still the luckiest man in the world to have been that close to her and to still have someone so wonderful in my life to any extent at all. Still, I feel like I will be doing a lot of crying over the next week. |
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| 11:21pm 02/04/2009 |
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p. a. f. mother fuckers. |
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| 11:12am 01/04/2009 |
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I took a deep breath and rode my bike down the hill in the rain, on the way to the store to get stencil making stuff, and I'm listening to the Wipers and I realized, this is it! This is what I wanted, all along. I'm here.
I am a punk, I am a scientist, I am creative, I am free. |
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| 04:15pm 30/03/2009 |
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dethtoll dot mid: today i told someone to "suck my fuck out my dickhole, assvomit"
dethtoll dot mid: i love the interstate. |
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| Try Again |
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| 03:59pm 30/03/2009 |
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I look at you - and I know what to do
I look at you - I know what to do
I look at you - and I know what to do
I look at you - I know what to do
They gotta try! |
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| Crusty Genderless Fun |
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| 07:00pm 27/03/2009 |
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music: PHOBIA, FLOGGIN' MOLLY, MOFUCKIN DISCHARGE
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I ran into Lahryssa (Fetus) from the Vaggies and I have been kicking it with her at her house in Selah. Her mother is a wonderful lady and they raise horses and mules. Joe from YVC and she and I got some 40z played yahtzee and poker and listened to music and I stayed when he went home. I had watched Unforgiven the day before and hanging out with my mom has gotten me stoked on westerns and Fetus told me she had to get up early, and when I said why she said, "to dig a grave." Ever since I was a kid I've always wanted to dig a dank-ass hole, and the idea of grave-digging was too much to pass up, so I stayed to help her. One of her family's dogs was hit by a car. We woke up in the morning and went out to get shovels and whatnot and grabbed a blanket to put the dog on. Fetus filled an empty 40 bottle with water so we could use it likes a canteen, the aesthetic of which was great as we walked down to the river in our flannels with our handkerchiefs hauling that dog. We dug and dug, and as we stood over the grave it started to rain. Too perfect. The dog was dealt with and we went back inside, after watching an anthill for awhile.
We had a great talk about gender roles that was started by this amazing crimethinc poster I was looking at in her room, which she gave me a copy of. We talked about gender and identity and role models, and how boys like to bake and sew, too, even though they're told they're not allowed to. What was amazing though was her younger brother Sean who is maybe 10 (? I am bad at guessing ages, but whatevs) was the first kid in ages that has liked me, and he kept going on about how cool he thought I was after we got done digging the hole together, and asked me to play Halo with him, and then he and I made food in the kitchen together, and I did the dishes for Fetus' mom, all while wearing a pink bandera (and my new Brujeria hat!!) and I felt soooo great. Fetus said "look how easy it is to be a good role model." I'm very surprised because kids never like me, especially young boys.
We fed and watered the horses and whatnot (they're so big! Its been so long since I've been around animals) and today we collected and burned a bunch of tumbleweeds. Doing farm work again was like a long-belated homecoming for me. It makes me feel so earthy and humble and like I'm back where I came from, even if it's somewhat different than orchard stuff. We are stoked on watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid tonight and I might go horsin' about (ha! ha!) with Fetus' mom the next time she does a woodsy, trail horse adventure.
I feel bad because I lost track of time because I have no cell service out here but I'm pretty sure my mom will understand. After some yelling.
I know my writing and composition was so much better when I wrote every day, but this is the first time in a long while like I have felt happy enough with my life to write it in life-journullll.
Strange, after the big move to PDX, the place where I find friendship and companionship and real fucking experiences is back here, and for the first time in my life, I'd rather stay in Yakima a bit longer. |
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| 08:36pm 21/03/2009 |
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"The law is a weapon of government, not a protection for the likes of you. Surely you understand that." |
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| 03:26pm 20/03/2009 |
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It's all just hardcore baby. |
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| 04:49am 19/03/2009 |
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Man I fucking love Tankard.
"- We were reviewed in an English article as "Fat ugly German bastards", so we called the album "Fat, Ugly and Live"
- We never get any groupies. The audience is mainly comprised of fat dudes with smelly vests on.
- Gerre fell asleep with 3.3 blood-alcohol during an interview on Music Box.
- We never received any recognition from the city of Frankfurt or the beer industry for our contribution to mass alcohol consumption."
Gods of metal. |
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| A New Dude! |
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| 11:01am 11/03/2009 |
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music: Brendon Small - Dont Put Marbles in Your Nose
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I'm learning to deal with my Adult ADD and I think I am doing really well compared to how I used to be. I think I failed my C++ class simply because I couldn't manage my time well enough to hand in the assignments, it's really pathetic. They were extremely simple and I only had class one day a week. Moving out on my own just swamped me with all this other shit that I've never had to think about before and it was hectic. I'm trying to develop good habits though and now that I make daily lists instead of one bit cluttered one, I'm actually able to work on things every day instead of cramming it in all at once. Hopefully I'll be able to stop living my life as a series of emergencies.
I need to get back to work but maybe I'll update this again today, now that I've started writing letters and in my journal again I feel a lot better. I haven't really had anyone to talk to and this is surprisingly therapeutic. |
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| 02:25pm 11/02/2009 |
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INTERNET
INTERNET, BITCHES
AHAHAHAHA |
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| Chapter 2 |
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| 02:29pm 12/12/2008 |
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Big move is this weekend. I am so scattered I have no idea what to do. The plans got changed so many times that none of my organizing schemes were in place when the final one was picked so I'm back to square one.
I'm standing on the edge of this huge black abyss that is supposed to be the place I want to head to but I can't see very far down. And behind me is a giant pile of 20 years of crap, a large portion of which is extremely useful but buried beneath junk.
I'm really excited and emotional, I can't believe I'm finally going to get out of here. |
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| 07:14pm 29/11/2008 |
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music: TIME WAITS FOR NO SLAVE
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WAIT, NEVERMIND, FUCK EVERYTHING. NEW NAPALM DEATH RECORD. I NO LONGER CARE ABOUT THE MEANINGLESS DOINGS OF THOSE AROUND ME. |
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| I AM SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETANCE |
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| 06:46pm 29/11/2008 |
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music: Mayhem - Chainsaw Gutsfuck
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AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EVERYONE I KNOW IS SO COMPLETELY UNRELIABLE ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY.
HOW DO THEY EVEN USE THE BATHROOM BY THEMSELVES.
Shouldn't the average person be able to perform a simple task in a reasonable time frame? Isn't that, like, par for the course...of living? Or is it just me? Am I just completely insane for thinking that? I don't THINK I am. So how is it that I can't think of a single person around me that I would trust to bring me a toothbrush from across the street. Oh my GOD, how does civilization not just crumble at our feet?
I am SERIOUSLY hoping that this academic hell that I am putting myself through will at least culminate in my meeting some people who are actually dependable once I get into higher level classes. Come to think of it, my lab partners are about the ONLY people I know who I actually CAN expect to get something done. |
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| BONDING ha ha! |
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| 10:04pm 22/11/2008 |
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music: Austin - Unity in Dub
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QUANTUM OF SOLACE MOTHERFUCKERS.
Oh it was so good. The opening credits sequence is probably the best since Dr. No, and my favorite since SWLM. Daniel Craig IS James Bond. I am comfortable with that. Olga Kurylenko is probably the first female lead in 40 years worth respecting. |
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| 07:09pm 22/11/2008 |
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YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET, WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET, WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET, WHAT YOU WANT.
BUT IF YOU TRY SOMETIMES...
YOU JUST MIGHT FIND...
PEOPLE WILL YELL AT YOU
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| Comedy Central |
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| 08:56am 20/11/2008 |
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I think the best derisive comment I've ever made a movie was "This movie had Wayans brothers I didn't even know existed." |
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| MAKIN SHIT |
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| 03:25am 20/11/2008 |
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music: Atari Teenage Riot - Speed
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Oh my god digital hardcore is fucking sick.
I'm fucking nutty over breaks right now. I've been messing around making breakbeat slash ghetto-tech influenced stuff and I've done a couple of hardcore tracks. The name I came up is KineMatiX (equations governing motion!) I thought of it awhile ago and it stuck. I started doing a 4-track style D-Beat project. Working title is Wretched Death and I've written some lyrics I really dig. I did the guitar and drums for a track today and I'm just trying to figure out how I wanna do the vocals.
RELATED:
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| 10:03am 17/11/2008 |
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I love Amara. |
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| I'm drunk. I don't know why I keep this journal. It is for me and me alone, in the end. |
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| 01:39am 16/11/2008 |
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Is science my religion?
What does morality mean?
Why are humans so strange?
Are we all just victims of psychology?
There has to be something more.
Is it worth my time to communicate what I think is moral to other human beings?
I have an idea about what is morally right. Is it wrong of me to try and convert other people to my belief? What if I feel so strongly about what is right that I cannot help it?
I think that killing is wrong.
If you had told me as a child that I would be alive to see the first black president, I would have been awed. Now it has happened, and he tells me that it is morally acceptable to support the Israeli state, no matter what, and that pre-emptive military action against Iran is a moral necessity.
The only heroes that I still have are Martin Luther King, and Noam Chomsky. Martin Luther King tells me that there is a God, and Noam Chomsky tells me that there is not but that Irrational Belief has been the source of both some of the worst and some of the best behavior of the human race. All that I've ever wanted is to do what is right.
What can I do? I worry that I am not brave enough to let my physical body withstand what I think is necessary to demonstrate my belief in righteousness. Would I become Donny the Punk just to avoid contributing to the deaths of innocent people?
Why are we here?
Why am I so distrustful of Philosophy?
Maybe I should listen. |
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alifedenied's journal